Memories
by Just.Know.That.I.Love.You
Summary: Memories from two childhoods. Warning: contains mentions of abuse.


_**Disclaimer: If I owned this show, I would be rich. I am not rich. Therefore, it stands to reason that I do not own this show. However, if someone feels the urge to give it away, I would be a willing recipient. (There. How's that for a formal disclaimer? )**_

Marty Deeks' first memory is of Disneyland. He was about four years old, and he remembers the costumed princesses, the rides that were too scary for him to go on, and the ice cream that he was allowed to have for lunch. He remembers the smells, the sounds, the tastes, all as vivid as if this memory was yesterday. It was a perfect day, one of the few he can credit to his childhood. Everything changed when the day faded to night.

He supposes he might have been whiny; after all, he had been exposed to so much excitement that when it ended, he didn't know what to do with himself. They lived about an hour away from Disneyland, and he remembers the car ride in a patchwork of whines, complaints, and annoyance, all originating from him, the burden in the backseat. At first, it seemed like his parents would tolerate it. Eventually, however, his dad snapped.

He remembers the weird feeling in his stomach as the car pulled over to an off road gas station. He can almost see the astonishment on his face when his dad told him to get out of the car, and feel the pain in his arm as he was yanked out of the backseat. His dad told him to sit his ass down on a bench outside the gas station and to stay put. The fact that his father used that kind of language surprised him, but he was even more shocked when the car pulled away without him. It was cold that night, and he only had a T-shirt and shorts on. He remembers shivering, but he didn't leave the bench. He knew to listen to his father.

He knows that eventually an employee at the gas station noticed him sitting outside in the night all by himself, and he knows that the employee called the cops. He doesn't remember much after the police officers arrived at the scene, except for the fact that they had a lot of questions and that they seemed different than his dad said they were. They were nice, and they didn't seem like "jerks who were just trying to get rid of all the fun."

When his dad arrived to pick him up, he acted worried. His parents made a huge fuss over him, and secretly he felt that everything was right again. His dad told the police officers that he had thought Marty had fallen asleep under a pile of blankets in the backseat after wearing himself out with all of his talking. He never imagined that Marty had snuck out while the car was being filled up. To his credit, Gordon Brandel was a good actor. On the way back home, the whole car was silent. Marty was too busy trying to get warm to talk.

Deeks reveals this memory to Kensi after a hard case. A four year old was put in the hospital by his abusive father, and it hit a little close to home. She stays over at his house and comforts him when he wakes up screaming.

* * *

><p>Kensi Blye's earliest memory was when she was about three years old. It was nighttime, and Kensi remembers that she was supposed to be in bed. That night, she wasn't able to fall asleep. Her babysitter didn't know that before Kensi went to bed someone had to read her a book and give her a sippy cup of water. Because of this, she was wide awake when her mom came home.<p>

She remembers listening as her mom paid the babysitter and shut the door behind her. She hoped that her mom would come upstairs and realize that Kailey hadn't put her to bed right, and that she would fix it. She was tired, but she couldn't fall asleep unless everything was done the right way. It was while she was worrying about this that she heard her mom begin to cry. She remembers that the sound scared her.

She crept out of bed and went downstairs, remaining quiet the whole time. Her mom was leaning over the couch and sobbing so hard that Kensi worried that she would fall over. Kensi remembers running down the stairs, remembers clinging to her mom and asking her over and over again why she was crying. Her mom didn't say anything, but she picked Kensi up and held her to her chest, rocking her back and forth. Kensi remembers the feeling of the tears hitting her face, and the bewilderment of not knowing what was wrong. She wished her daddy was at home, but he was in a far off place that she couldn't pronounce the name of. She was all her mom had at that moment.

Eventually her mom calmed down. She set Kensi on her lap and sat down on the couch with her. Kensi again asked her mom why she was crying, and this time her mom told her. She said that Kensi wasn't going to be a big sister anymore. That God had decided that the baby belonged in heaven with him, that the baby wasn't able to live on earth. Kensi remembers that she was sad, and that she was angry that God wanted the baby and didn't want to share with them. They deserved the baby. Her mom and dad had already made a room for him. That was when she found out life was unfair.

She reveals this to him in a moment of vulnerability. He comforts her when she insists she is fine.

* * *

><p>He remembers the first grade as a mix of spelling tests and story books. His teacher, Miss Sanchez, was new to teaching, and she had a lot of enthusiasm towards everything. He looked forward to school, not just for story time, but because it was safe. His dad couldn't hurt him there.<p>

After Disneyland, the pattern of abuse intensified. His dad got drunk a lot, and he began to take it out on both Marty and his mom. After Marty started school, his dad started being more careful. He hit Marty in places where no one could see, or not at all. Of course, that meant that Marty's mom got hit more. He felt bad about that, but he couldn't fix it. It was too hard.

One day he remembered coming home from school and finding out that his mom was gone. His dad told him that his grandma, his mother's mom, was sick, and that his mother had flown out to Oklahoma to help her. He was disappointed, because he had finally learned how to read a whole entire book by himself. He was going to show his mom that night while his dad went out to the bar. Now he couldn't, and he didn't know when he would get another chance. He was disappointed, and a little scared. He wished his mother hadn't left him alone with his father.

He remembers that his dad told him to go wash up for dinner, and Marty obeyed right away, even though it was only three o'clock. He remembers that his father seemed to be in a good mood, but Marty didn't know how long that would last. He wanted to make sure that his dad stayed that way. He washed up, taking extra time to make sure that the water fully erased the marker from art time. He then hurried back to his father and sat down at his spot at the table.

After Marty finished his dinner his dad told him to go put his pajamas on. Marty did, making sure to brush his teeth in the process. He was then ordered to get into bed, and to not leave again for the rest of the night. Marty rolled over and pulled the covers over his head as his dad left the room. He wasn't tired. But he didn't dare leave his bed. Eventually, he fell asleep.

He remembers waking up to the sound of his dad slamming the front door. A glance out the window revealed that it was late, and Marty began to feel scared. His dad only came home this late after he had been drinking. And his mom wasn't here to lessen the pain.

Sure enough, a few minutes later Gordon Brandel stumbled into Marty's room. The protection of his blankets didn't do much to stop the kicks, hits, and punches, nor the verbal insults and swear words. Marty laid there shaking from pain, but he dared not move or make a sound. Soon enough, his dad stumbled into his own room and passed out on the bed. Marty waited until he heard snoring before he limped his way to the bathroom where they kept the first aid kit.

A look in the mirror revealed that his eye was black and blue and his face was cut up. He took his shirt off and saw that his torso was bruised also. He hurt, but he didn't think bandaids would help him all that much. He returned the first aid kit to where it belonged and went back to bed. He fell back asleep as the light of dawn shone through his window.

He remembers waking up to the smell of pancakes. This was not uncommon, as his dad always seemed to feel like pancakes after a night of drinking. Unlike most people, his dad could wake from a night of drinking and be completely fine, without any sign of a hangover. He didn't know it at the time, but when he grew up he would be the same way.

He managed to maneuver himself into his school clothes without hurting himself worse, and dragged himself out the door and into the kitchen. His dad was humming and smiling as he flipped pancakes, and as Marty came into the kitchen he asked him how many he wanted. He asked for two, and his dad flipped them onto a plate for him. Marty grabbed a fork and sat down at the table, eating his pancakes as fast as he could. He couldn't wait to go to school.

After he finished, he grabbed his backpack and asked his dad to drive him to school since his mom wasn't there to do it. His dad told him he couldn't go to school that day because of his face. Marty couldn't wait for his mom to get back. He hoped he could go back to school then.

Deeks tells Kensi this memory when she asks him what his favorite grade was. She doesn't know what to say.

* * *

><p>She remembers the first time her dad gave her a lesson. It was her sixth birthday, and he decided that she was old enough to learn how to survive. So he packed up a tent and took her to the woods for a week. Her mom stayed behind to watch over the house and keep it running.<p>

The first lesson her dad taught her was that getting the campsite ready always had to come first. She remembers eagerly watching as her dad ran the poles through the tent top and pounded stakes into the ground. He let her help, and she remembers the pride she felt as she successfully secured one side of the tent. After they finished setting up the campsite it was almost dark, and she remembers listening to her dad sing songs by the campfire as they roasted s'mores and hotdogs. She fell asleep quickly that night, and woke the next morning to a whole day of adventures.

Her dad taught her many things over that vacation. He taught her how to fish, how to identify poisonous plants, and how to avoid falling on steep rocky hikes. He also began to teach her Spanish, promising her that she would be fluent by the time she was twelve. She was excited, because she knew that a lot of her friends at school spoke Spanish and she wanted to be able to talk to them. Plus, her mom always watched those Spanish shows and she wanted to be able to understand what they were saying. She always wondered.

By the time the week was over, she didn't want it to end. She asked her dad if they could move out there, but he just laughed and smoothed her hair. He said that Kensi's mom wouldn't want to move out there, and that they couldn't live without her. Sadly she helped her dad pack up the tent and get ready to go home. It was the best week of her life.

She reveals this to Deeks when they have to camp in the woods for a case. He remarks that it's no wonder she was such a tomboy.

* * *

><p>He remembers that he didn't want to shoot his father. That he didn't have much of a choice. He remembers the feel of the trigger in his hand, and the panic he felt after he realized what he did. He remembers the look on his mom's face, the cops who arrested him, and the trial where he had to explain about what happened to him. After the trial he remembers vowing that he wouldn't think about what happened anymore, that he would never tell anyone where he got the gun. He remembers for the most part keeping that promise.<p>

He remembers the last time he saw his father as a moment of relief and sadness at the same time. Despite the abuse, despite the pain he caused to both Marty and his mom, he was a good guy sometimes. He did tell Marty he loved him, and when he was sober he always apologized for his behavior. Still, Marty knew that what his dad did wasn't right. And he was glad that his dad wouldn't hurt him anymore.

Overall, he remembers being eleven as a time of confusion and grief, of sadness and happiness, of the end and the beginning. It whirls in his head, and if he doesn't check himself he can get lost in the emotion. He has grown from that occasion, has lived life to the fullest because of what happened to him. He learned to live with his decisions, and he learned that humor helps when all else fails. His eleventh year taught him a lot.

* * *

><p>He tells Kensi this scrambled mix of memories after Ray came back. She pretends she understands, but inside she wonders how he survived this. She wonders at the little boy who managed to put his past behind him and became the wonderful man he is now. She is glad he could, and glad he did.<p>

She remembers running to her room and crying after her first day of junior high. It was the first time she wondered if something was wrong with her. All the girls looked older than her at school. They acted older too, and no girls would talk to her because she wasn't wearing makeup and a skirt like all the other girls were. Her dad was gone, and she remembers thinking that her mom wouldn't understand. She felt alone.

She had always been a tomboy, and it had never bothered anyone before that. She hung out with the boys more than anything, but last year she still had a few female friends. Somehow over the summer they had all turned into some sort of Barbie clones. Her male friends still talked to Kensi, but she felt weird not being able to talk to any of the girls in her class.

Her mom finally got the truth out of her later that night. Her mom told her that she was beautiful, and that she didn't need to worry about what those other girls thought. She said that Kensi was too young to be wearing makeup, and she wondered at all the other parents who let their daughters wear makeup. She said that she and Kensi's father were raising her right, and that she wasn't allowed to wear makeup for years to come. If she wanted to later it was her decision, but a twelve year old didn't need to worry about that stuff. She said that Kensi was a tomboy and that she loved that about her, how she bet that none of the other girls could fix up an old car or survive in the woods for a week with nothing but a lighter. She encouraged Kensi, and after that Kensi felt better. She could be herself.

That wasn't the last time she ever worried about her looks, but she never worried as much as she did the first time. She grew more confident as she grew older, and as an adult she was grateful that she never turned into some sort of a Barbie doll at twelve years old. She gained friends after that who weren't worried about boys and makeup, and she was happy throughout the rest of junior high.

She tells Deeks this when he asks if she was ever an insecure kid. He laughs, and says that if she went to his school they would have been good friends. She doesn't doubt that.

* * *

><p>When he was fifteen he made the honor role. His mother took him out to eat, and she continually told him how proud she was of him. They went to a fancy restaurant, and she told him that he could get whatever he wanted to eat. He told her that night that he wanted to be a lawyer someday, and she told him that he could succeed at whatever he wanted to do in life. He remembers being happy and proud, for the first time in a long time. That was a Friday night, and he remembers it like it was yesterday, instead of years ago.<p>

The next day they got evicted again from another apartment for not being able to pay the rent. He felt guilty for years for going out to eat. His mom told him he was more important than a house, and that she had to do something for him. They lived in the car for a week before they were able to find another place to live.

Deeks told Kensi this after a case involving a homeless man. She knows how he felt. She was homeless once too.

* * *

><p>When she was fifteen her father died. She remembers feeling like her heart was ripped out and then shoved back down her throat. She remembers feeling alone in the world, like no one anywhere could understand how she felt. And she remembers not wanting to live in foster care or be forced to go back with her mom. So she ran off to live in the streets.<p>

She was glad for the lessons her father had taught her. It helped her survive a crazy few months where she didn't bathe except in gas stations and only ate every few days. Eventually she got a job and was able to take care of herself until child protective services got involved. She survived. She was responsible for herself. And she put up walls that were hard to tear down.

She tells him this one day. It was the anniversary of her father's death. She couldn't handle the grief alone again. He comforted her.

* * *

><p>He remembers the first time he realized he loved her. They were watching a movie, and her head was resting on his shoulder. Neither one of them were paying much attention to the movie, instead choosing to talk over it to each other. She started laughing, and despite the fact that her laugh sounds like a donkey dying he realized he would love to hear it again. He realized that he could spend every day together with her like this, without regrets. And later that night as she climbed into his bed because she was too lazy to drive home he was sure. He needed to spend the rest of his life with her. And he knew he would. He couldn't let her go.<p>

* * *

><p>The first time she realizes she loves him is the first time he sings to her. They are driving home from a witness' house and he jokes about filling the silence. When it's clear that she doesn't want to talk (she was having a bad day) he starts to sing.<p>

His voice is awful, yet she can't get enough of it. It's just so him. She realizes that she can't live without him. That she loves him. That she could live with him forever. So she pulls over at the next rest station, gathers her nerve, and tells him the truth.

_**Okay. That was a lot longer than I thought it would be. I apologize now for anything I got wrong from what was stated in the show. I tried to go as close to canon as possible (except for the last two memories), but I am only human and probably made some mistakes. I hope you enjoyed reading!**_


End file.
